This guide is for men – especially LGBTQ+ men and their allies – who want to challenge harmful norms, support each other, and build safer, more inclusive communities. It offers practical tools, and guidance for healing, allyship, and action.
This guide is designed to be flexible and accessible. You can:
- Read it for a full understanding of allyship.
- Dip into sections that speak to your current needs or interests.
- Share sections with friends, colleagues, or community groups.
- Refer to the glossary for clarity on key terms and concepts.
- Access resources to find support or offer help to others.
Content Warning:
This guide includes discussions of domestic and sexual abuse, mental health, suicide, discrimination, and toxic behaviours. It also references examples of exclusionary language and conduct in dating and social spaces, which some readers may find distressing.
These examples are shared to raise awareness and encourage change. LGBT Foundation does not endorse any harmful language or behaviour described. Support resources are provided throughout, and readers are encouraged to engage at their own pace.
Man Enough: A Guide to Allyship, Healing, and Breaking the Silence
Part 1: Understanding the Landscape of Men’s Health and Masculinity
1 – Men’s Health Inequalities in 2025
Men – especially those from marginalised communities – face significant and widening health inequalities across the UK. A complex mix of social, economic, and systemic factors shapes these disparities.
- Life Expectancy: Men in the most deprived areas of England live 10.7 years less than those in the least deprived areas. Healthy life expectancy gap: 19.1 years. (ONS, 2023 – ons.gov.uk)
- Premature Death: Men are twice as likely as women to die prematurely from cardiovascular disease, lung cancer, liver disease, and accidents. (The King’s Fund, 2024 – kingsfund.org.uk)
- Suicide: Three in four suicides in the UK are by men. Male suicide rate: 17.1 per 100,000.
(Centre for Policy Research on Men and Boys, 2025 – menandboys.org.uk) - Mental Health: LGBTQ+ men, especially trans men, face higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. (The Trevor Project UK, Stonewall, LGBT Foundation)
- Substance Use: Deaths from alcohol and drug-related disorders are five times higher among men in the most deprived areas. (The King’s Fund, 2024)
- Chronic Conditions: Men in deprived areas are 2–4 times more likely to die from preventable conditions. (ONS, 2023)
- Access to Care: Nearly 1 in 4 LGBT people have witnessed discriminatory remarks by healthcare staff; 1 in 7 have avoided treatment. (Stonewall, 2023)
- Engagement with Services: In deprived areas, 64% of men wait more than a week with symptoms before visiting a doctor; 31% wait more than a month. (Movember Report, 2024 – york.ac.uk)
Geographic Inequality: Health outcomes for men are worse in Northern regions like the North East. (The King’s Fund, 2024)
2 – Breaking the Silence: Understanding Personal and Cultural Barriers
Many men find it hard to talk about feelings, trauma, or abuse. From a young age, we hear things like “man up” or “don’t be soft”. These messages teach young men and boys that showing emotion is weak. That belief often sticks into adulthood, making it tough to ask for help or even admit something’s wrong.
For LGBTQ+ men, it can feel even harder. Fear of judgment, rejection, or being misunderstood adds extra pressure. Family, cultural, or religious expectations can make speaking up feel impossible.
In some communities, staying silent feels like the safest option. Men worry about being seen as weak or broken. This fear is made worse by a lack of support and cultural taboos.
Breaking the silence isn’t just about talking. It’s also about finding spaces where you feel safe and supported. Here are some simple tips to help you get started:
- Write it down first. Journaling or voice notes can help organise your thoughts before sharing them.
- Practise saying it to yourself. Try phrases like “I’m not okay” or “I need help” in a safe space.
- Use anonymous support when needed. Many helplines, text services, or online forums are great if speaking face-to-face feels too hard.
- Choose your people, maybe even pick one or two trusted friends or family members and share at your own pace.
- Calm your nerves with breathing exercises or mindfulness. This can help before opening up.
- Remind yourself that vulnerability is strength. Asking for help takes courage.
- Join peer support groups that offer understanding without judgment.
- If you plan on seeking professional help, write down what you want to say before calling a counsellor or therapist.
- Celebrate small wins, and remember that every step, whether writing, speaking, or reaching out, is progress. Give yourself credit.
Support lines available include:
- LGBT Foundation Helpline – 0345 3 30 30 30 – a wellbeing support line for LGBTQ+ people, offering a listening ear and crisis support.
- Men’s Advice Line – 0808 801 0327 – Confidential support for male victims of domestic abuse, run by Respect.
- Mankind Initiative – 01823 334244 – Support for male victims of domestic abuse (Mon–Fri, 10am–4pm).
- SurvivorsUK – 0203 598 3898 – Inclusive support for male and non-binary survivors of sexual abuse
- CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) – 0800 58 58 58 – Support for men struggling with life’s challenges, including suicidal thoughts.
3 – Common Myths
Wrong ideas about masculinity and how men should behave stop many men from getting help. These beliefs are common and hard to change, but they can be challenged. Busting stigma starts with speaking the truth and showing that real strength looks different from what we’ve been told.
Common Myths
Myth: “Men should always be strong and in control.”
Truth: Everyone has limits. Asking for help shows courage, not weakness.
Myth: “Men should provide and never show vulnerability.”
Truth: Vulnerability is human. Sharing feelings builds trust and connection.
Myth: “Men should handle problems alone.”
Truth: No one should suffer in silence. Support is a sign of strength.
Myth: “Men should be tough and unemotional.”
Truth: Emotions are healthy. Expressing them helps healing and resilience.
Myth: “Talking about it makes you weak.”
Truth: Speaking up takes courage. Silence is not strength.
Myth: “If it happened, they would have fought back.”
Truth: Freezing or complying is a survival response, not weakness.
Myth: “Men can’t be victims.”
Truth: Anyone can experience abuse—gender doesn’t protect you.
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4 – Toxic Masculinity in LGBTQ+ Spaces
Toxic masculinity means harmful rules about how men should act — strong, dominant, and unemotional. These ideas make it harder to connect, harder to practise consent, and harder to be vulnerable.
LGBTQ+ spaces should feel safe, free, and welcoming and are all about meeting new friends, potential lovers and partner(s) – but toxic masculinity can still show up in ways that seem normal or even celebrated and – in many cases, accidentally – create exclusion and shame.
The good news? We can change this.
Many social interactions in LGBTQ+ men’s spaces can centre around dating and sex, and it’s okay to have preferences with want you look for. But how you express them matters. Your words can either include people or exclude them.When we challenge harmful norms and choose respect, we make spaces where everyone belongs.
Harmful Behaviours to Watch For
- Exclusion disguised as preference: “Masc 4 Masc only” or “Must be tall, white, and successful.” The phrase “masc 4 masc” carries an implicit rejection of femininity, and discrimination based on race, body type, and ability is often disguised as “preferences” in LGBTQ+ dating and social scenes.
- Body shaming: Ignoring or mocking anyone who doesn’t fit narrow beauty ideals.
- Aggression and entitlement: Touching without consent or pressuring someone sexually.
- Avoiding contact with trans or disabled people: Sending signals about who is “valid” or “desirable.”
- Emotional detachment: Rejecting intimacy or support to look “strong.”
- Blocking without thought: Quickly blocking someone on dating apps because they don’t fit your ideal can feel easier—but it can harm their self-esteem and add to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Consider using respectful communication instead.
Empowering Alternatives
- Handle dating apps with care: If you’re not interested, a polite message or silence is better than harsh words or instant blocking. Respect matters online too.
- Express preferences with respect: “I’m most attracted to masc energy, but kindness and humour matter most.” This expresses a preference without devaluing others.
- Engage inclusively: Make eye contact, start conversations, and treat everyone with dignity. Engage respectfully with a range of people, regardless of body type, gender expression, or ability.
- Celebrate diversity: Share posts that challenge narrow beauty standards and uplift marginalised voices.
- Club conversation: “I tend to vibe more with certain energies, but I’m open to meeting people who surprise me.”
- Model consent: Ask, listen, and respect boundaries—always.
Blurred Boundaries:
In some LGBTQ+ spaces, especially sex-on-premise venues (e.g., saunas, dark rooms, cruising areas), toxic masculinity can manifest as entitlement to sex, disregard for consent, or pressure to conform to sexual norms. Nightlife and sex-on-premise venues can be liberating—but they can also be sites where toxic masculinity thrives through:
- Body shaming: Only muscular, lean bodies are celebrated; others are ignored or mocked.
- Aggression and dominance: Pushing, grabbing, or asserting control over others on the dance floor or in sexual spaces.
- Exclusion of trans and non-binary people: Dress codes, door policies, or social norms that make these spaces unsafe or unwelcoming.
- Emotional detachment: Avoiding connection or vulnerability, even in intimate encounters.
Reminder: Consent is always necessary. Being in a sexualised space does not mean someone is automatically available or interested.
Part 2: Taking Action and Building Allyship
5 – Practising Everyday Allyship
Allyship isn’t just a label—it’s action. It means showing up, listening, learning, and speaking out against harm. Because silence allows harmful behaviours to continue. When you act as an ally, you help create safer spaces, challenge stigma, and show people they’re not alone.
Most people don’t intend to cause harm. Often, comments or behaviours come from habit or lack of awareness. But unintentional harm still hurts. It can make someone feel excluded, ashamed, or invisible. Over time, this can damage confidence and increase feelings of loneliness and isolation. Allyship helps prevent this by gently challenging harmful norms and encouraging understanding.
Everyday Actions That Make a Difference:
- You hear a friend make a sexist joke – pause and ask, “What do you mean by that?”
- A colleague shares they’re struggling – listen without offering solutions immediately.
- You notice someone being excluded – invite them into the conversation.
Navigating Conversations and Challenging Harm
Conversations can change minds. Here’s how to respond with care:
- Friend: “I don’t believe men can be abused.”
You: “I used to think that too, but I’ve learned it’s more common than we realise.” - Colleague: “He’s just being dramatic.”
You: “Maybe, but what if he’s actually hurting and doesn’t know how to say it?”
Starting Conversations with Men: A Quick Guide
Many men want to support each other but don’t know how to begin. Whether it’s checking in on a friend, opening up about your own struggles, or talking about masculinity, these conversations can be transformative. This checklist offers practical ways to start and sustain meaningful dialogue with other men.
- Keep it going: Follow up later. Let them know the door is still open.
- Start small: Ask how someone’s really doing. Share something personal to open the door.
- Pick the right moment: Choose a relaxed setting—on a walk, over coffee, or during downtime.
- Use “I” statements: Speak from your own experience. “I’ve been thinking about…” or “I’ve realised…”
- Be curious, not confrontational: Ask questions like “Have you ever felt that way?” or “What do you think about that?”
- Respect boundaries: Not everyone is ready to talk. That’s okay. Just showing you’re open matters.
6 – Challenging Toxic Behaviour Without Aggression
We all encounter moments when someone says or does something harmful—whether it’s a joke, a slur, or a dismissive comment. Knowing how to respond without escalating the situation is a key part of allyship. This guide helps you challenge toxic behaviour in a way that’s respectful, clear, and effective.
- Stay calm: Take a breath. Respond, don’t react.
- Use questions: “What do you mean by that?” or “How do you think that might come across?”
- Appeal to values: “That doesn’t sound like you.” or “I know you care about respect.”
- Speak privately if needed: Some people respond better without an audience.
- Model better behaviour: Show what respectful, inclusive language looks like.
- Know when to disengage: If someone becomes aggressive or dismissive, it’s okay to walk away.
Calling out harmful language or behaviour doesn’t have to mean confrontation. Here’s how to do it with confidence and care:
- Know when to disengage: If someone becomes aggressive or dismissive, it’s okay to walk away.
- Stay calm: Take a breath. Respond, don’t react.
- Use questions: “What do you mean by that?” or “How do you think that might come across?”
- Appeal to values: “That doesn’t sound like you.” or “I know you care about respect.”
- Speak privately if needed: Some people respond better without an audience.
- Model better behaviour: Show what respectful, inclusive language looks like.
7 – Allyship Beyond Your Identity: A Call to Cis and Straight Men
Cis and straight men hold a unique position in society—one shaped by privilege, visibility, and access. That privilege isn’t something to feel guilty about—it’s something you can use for good. Not to dominate, but to dismantle inequality and uplift voices that are often silenced.
When cis and straight men speak up, it normalises challenging harm and makes space for others. Allyship isn’t about being perfect and getting it right all the time. It’s about being present, accountable, and committed to change.
Practical Ways to Be an Ally:
- Listen and Believe: When someone shares an experience of discrimination or violence, believe them. Avoid minimising or questioning. Offer empathy and validation: “Thank you for telling me—I’m here for you.”
- Challenge Harm: Speak up against sexism, homophobia, and transphobia—even when it’s uncomfortable. Harmful jokes and stereotypes thrive in silence. Use your voice to disrupt prejudice: “That’s not okay—let’s keep this space respectful.”
- Reflect on Privilege: Privilege doesn’t mean life has been easy—it means some barriers didn’t exist for you. Recognise how being cis and straight shields you from bias, and use that awareness to advocate for those who face it daily.
- Make Space, Don’t Take Space: Allyship isn’t about centring yourself. Amplify marginalised voices in meetings, campaigns, and conversations. Step back when needed and ensure others are heard.
- Support Without Expecting Praise: True allyship is quiet and consistent. Don’t expect recognition—the goal is justice, not applause.
- Educate Yourself: It’s not the job of marginalised people to teach you everything. Read, listen, and learn about LGBTQ+ issues, trans rights, and feminism. The more informed you are, the stronger your impact.
- Show Up When It’s Hard: Allyship matters most when it’s inconvenient or unpopular. Challenge harmful behaviour among friends, at work, and online—even when it feels uncomfortable.
- Celebrate Inclusion: Attending Pride marches, talking about women’s issues, and having LGBTQ+ and trans friends doesn’t take away from what it means to be a man. It shows strength, empathy, and leadership.
8 – What You Can Do Today
To be man enough is to be open, compassionate, and courageous. It means breaking silence, challenging stigma, and building a future where every man—regardless of identity—is seen, heard, and supported.
Change starts with small, intentional steps. Choose one action you can take today:
- Share the Man Enough campaign and this guide
- Start a conversation about masculinity and vulnerability
- Read and share survivor stories
- Volunteer with or donate to LGBT Foundation
- Reflect regularly on your own biases
- Join or start a support group or allyship circle
Here are some organisations and tools to support your journey:
Switchboard – LGBTQ+ helpline for listening and support
LGBT Foundation – Mental health, sexual health, and recovery services
SurvivorsUK – Support for male and non-binary survivors of sexual violence
Mind – Mental health support and resources
Galop – Support for LGBTQ+ people facing abuse or violence
9 – Glossary Of Terms
Allyship – Active support for others, especially those from marginalised communities.
Body Dysmorphia – Obsessive focus on perceived flaws in physical appearance.
Consent – Clear, enthusiastic, and ongoing agreement to participate in any activity, especially sexual. Being in a sexualised space does not imply consent.
Emotional Literacy – Understanding and expressing emotions in healthy, constructive ways
Emotional Unavailability – Difficulty or unwillingness to express emotions or engage in emotional intimacy, often rooted in social conditioning or trauma.
Inclusive Services – Support that is accessible and affirming for people of all identities, backgrounds, and experiences.
Inclusive Language – Language that avoids assumptions and respects diverse identities, including gender, race, ability, and sexuality.
Intersectionality – The way different aspects of a person’s identity (e.g. race, gender, sexuality) combine to shape their experiences of discrimination or privilege.
Internalised Homophobia – Negative feelings or beliefs about one’s own sexual orientation, often shaped by societal stigma.
Liberation – The process of achieving freedom from oppression, often used in activist contexts.
“Masc 4 Masc” – A phrase used in LGBTQ+ dating culture to express preference for masculine-presenting men, often criticised for reinforcing toxic masculinity and shaming femininity.
Manosphere – A loosely connected online subculture promoting toxic masculinity, often hostile to feminism and LGBTQ+ rights.
Neurodiversity – The concept that neurological differences (e.g. autism, ADHD) are natural variations of the human brain, not deficits.
Privilege – Unearned advantages based on aspects of identity, such as being cisgender, straight, white, or male.
QTIPOC – Acronym for Queer, Trans, and Intersex People of Colour. Highlights intersecting identities and experiences of marginalisation.
Safe Space – A respectful, secure environment where people feel supported and free from discrimination.
Safe(r) Space – An environment intentionally designed to be inclusive and respectful, acknowledging that absolute safety cannot be guaranteed.
Sex-on-Premise Venues – Spaces where sexual activity is permitted or expected, such as saunas, dark rooms, or cruising areas.
Stigma – Shame or discrimination attached to a particular identity, experience, or condition.
Survivor – Someone who has lived through trauma, abuse, or violence.
Survivor-Centred – An approach that prioritises the needs, voices, and autonomy of people who have experienced trauma or abuse.
Toxic Masculinity – Harmful norms and behaviours associated with masculinity, such as emotional suppression, dominance, and aggression.
Vulnerability – Openness to emotion, connection, and the possibility of being hurt—often a source of strength and growth.
