Home for the Holidays
A guide to supporting LGBTQ+ people over the festive season
For many LGBTQ+ people, the holidays can be hard. Family gatherings aren’t always safe, and many people are left spending the holidays alone.
Through our Big Give Appeal 2025, donations from our supporters helped us to create this guide for LGBTQ+ people who may be finding it difficult to navigate this time of year, and their relatives, friends and allies who can make a difference through small, meaningful actions. You too can give the gift of hope and joy for years to come, by setting up a regular gift today or using our free will writing service.
We have extended helpline hours this holiday season. Please follow us on Instagram or check this article again closer to the time for confirmed hours when you can contact us for support.
Advice for Relatives, Friends & Allies
We asked our LGBTQ+ colleagues and volunteers to share their words of advice for relatives, friends and allies of LGBTQ+ people to support them this holiday season. Read what they had to say below!
“[Being] affirmed by other people…can be a small but powerful gesture.”
Give a gift with the person’s chosen name on it like a mug or socks etc. (if they are trans/non-binary and have chosen a new name to go by). Having this affirmed by other people, especially if they are getting s**t from other people in their life, can be a small but powerful gesture.
For those that are little more tech savvy, suggest helping to set up a new email address for someone that is transitioning and set up email forwarding from their old email address to their new email address. Many folks may have an email address with their dead name in it, but doing this can just be another thing that is on the to do list pile. Again [it’s a] small gesture, but not having to see that old email can be huge.
“Be kind, honest, open and, most importantly, find your curiosity.”
The antidote to fear is curiosity.
I no longer have contact with any of my family (for many reasons). For me, I wish they’d have seen me as I am and asked questions from a place of curiosity and kindness.
I now spend my Christmases with people who nourish me and who I nourish right back. And I am happy!
To relatives, carers, friends, and colleagues of LGBTQ+ people, I encourage you to be kind, honest, open and, most importantly, find your curiosity.
“Think of their feelings first, not yours.”
It can be scary or uncomfortable to talk about things that you’re not familiar with or that you don’t necessarily understand. That’s natural, and you’re not expected to understand. But it’s important to recognise how important someone’s identity is to them – try not to question, interrupt or react rashly when someone is telling you about themselves. Listen to them, believe them, remember they are the person who knows their experiences best.
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Most of all, an important aspect of being truly supportive and/or caring is to think of their feelings first, not yours. As humans we have a tendency towards self-soothing and catering to our own needs first, whether that’s shutting down or changing the subject when the conversation moves away from something we know, or misgendering someone (even internally) because it feels uncomfortable for us to change a habit or see someone in a different way to how we feel we know them. But LGBTQ+ people are always having to adapt and minimise themselves to belong in a world where they are a minority; just think, what could you do that would make this particular home or environment welcoming and safe for them, so they can be themselves?
These don’t have to be big things. It can be as small as using non-gendered terms like “partner”, “child”, “sibling”, “nibling” for an LGBTQ+ loved one who may be genderfluid or experiencing dysphoria…or watching a more inclusive film together, instead of indulging the usual heteronormative narratives.
“Sharing what you can offer is a nice way to relieve the pressure of asking.”
If you’ve got anything to offer up, share what that is! Often asking for things can feel difficult… is it a lift somewhere, dates you might be in an area and free to hang out, a seat around your table, a spare cooked meal, or a video call – sharing what you can offer is a nice way to relieve the pressure of asking.
“Create opportunities for people to open up.”
Ask questions! Make it as easy as possible for people to come out to you – create opportunities for people to open up and show you’re interested.
In a nutshell…
- Support someone with a subtle gift that affirms their identity e.g. a personalised item with their chosen name
- Offer help with life admin that could be overwhelming for an LGBTQ+ person, like setting up email forwarding to an address with their chosen name
- Offer help in case they may not feel comfortable asking – like an invitation around your table, or a video call
- Ask questions from a place of curiosity and kindness
- Listen to their experiences rather than responding or judging immediately
- Suggesting a more inclusive festive film to watch, like Happiest Season (2020) or even Hallmark’s first gay holiday film, The Christmas House (2020).
- Make an effort to use non-gendered terms
Support for LGBTQ+ People, From LGBTQ+ People
“As much as you can, try to find moments to centre what makes you feel most comfortable and most like you!”
The holidays bring so much pressure for everyone. There can be pressure to enjoy yourself, to fit into an image of a happy family unit, or to put aside your hurt and discomfort in order to make the season as festive and comfortable for everyone around you as possible.
It can be hard to not feel trapped in other people’s ideas of who you are or who they’d like you to be during the holidays.
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As much as you can, try to find moments to centre what makes you feel most comfortable and most like you! The process of learning how to do that takes time and can bring up a lot of discomfort, so take it at your own pace. Set some boundaries, try to make decisions about how you spend your holidays based on how YOU feel, and be open about how you feel with trusted loved ones. You don’t have to do all of those things perfectly, but it’s worth it to try and self-advocate wherever you can. You’ve got this, and you’re not alone!
“You have the right to spend your time in a way that is rewarding and restful for you.”
Please do not feel you have to go home for the holidays if this is something that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.
Do something else with the holidays that makes you feel happy and comfortable. If you do need to go home or if you want to go home do not feel obliged to revert into any role you may have had when you were younger just to try and get through the ordeal – if that is how it feels to you.
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With respect to your parents and family members you do not have to pander to their needs. You have the right to spend your time in a way that is rewarding and restful for you. Have a think about what you would really like to do with this time and if it’s going to visit family do it on your own terms. If not, let them know you have other plans and you will see them in the new year if this is something that would work for you.
Most importantly, look after yourself and do not put up with anything that does not make you happy. If you have old friends near the family home make plans to see them so you have an escape plan if you need it. Chances are they will probably welcome the chance to get away from their family too!
“If you feel safe enough, reach out to a sibling or someone you may feel safe to speak to in your family and explain how you are feeling about the holidays.”
I find Christmas time difficult because I have an older and (very) straight brother who had a very different experience growing up to me. I love my brother but god, he is clueless sometimes!
My advice would be, if you feel safe enough, reach out to a sibling or someone you may feel safe to speak to in your family if you have someone and explain how you are feeling about the holidays.
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I took the time to do this last year, when it was clear my brother was not understanding why I wasn’t super keen to come home for Christmas. For him, the traditions hold a lot of joy and warmth, but for me it reminds me of a time when I was unable to be myself (doesn’t help when my mum misgenders me!)
But the thing is sometimes you have to spell it out to people and this is what I did for my brother I just said, “Look man, we had very different experiences growing up and I need you to understand that, and respect the fact I might not always be chipper over the holidays.” It worked and he really appreciated the honesty.
“Take a minute to pause and work out exactly what a safe and comfortable winter season looks like for you.”
Only do what makes you comfortable, feel no guilt for putting yourself first. As someone who is neurodivergent, as well as queer, we often feel pressure to push ourselves past what makes us comfortable in order to connect with those around us. Take a minute to pause and work out exactly what a SAFE and COMFORTABLE winter season looks like for you. Whether it be gaming all day with good snacks, or going to a party, you have nothing to prove to anyone.
“Christmas can be whatever you want it to be, whatever is going to make *you* happy and bring you joy.”
Forget what you think Christmas “should” be about, and don’t let it be an excuse to make yourself smaller to make other people happy. Christmas can be whatever you want it to be, whatever is going to make *you* happy and bring you joy. If that is seeing your family, great. If it’s not, then make your own traditions. I sit and play PS5 in the morning with a bucks fizz and then make dinner for a few of my friends and it’s glorious.
“Keep this to a manageable amount of time. I usually make it a day event, not overnight.”
Meet family members on neutral ground. I go out for a nice meal with some of my family of origin before or after Christmas in November and Jan or Feb. Midweek and out of season makes that cheaper. It is less stressful on one host, and feels more on my terms than returning to a parental home, more independent. The choice of clothes still stresses me out though. Dress comfortably, how I would in Manchester? And catch a disapproving glance from a parent? Or dress more hetero to avoid this, but feel less comfortable, less true to myself?
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Keep this to a manageable amount of time. I usually make it a day event, not overnight. I need to decompress after. I usually visit my favourite dog and hang out for hours in a favourite queer bar (drinking tea). I ask for no political discussions but this boundary is usually disrespected and I do find it challenging.
“Remember it’s just a day. Chilling out and making our own traditions is allowed!”
Can you build up your own relationship with members of your wider family? I have a very accepting aunt and uncle and I meet them separately from my folks.
Conversely, one part of the family that’s tricky I don’t see, I just send love. I won’t spend a day watching everyone get completely battered and spewing right-wing vitriol.
Sometimes in the UK I spend the day with friends, cooking together and playing games. Low key, super chill and fun.
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It’s taken me probably the best part of a decade to build up these new traditions, it didn’t happen overnight. I still get pressure to return to the old family way of doing Christmas and I just have to politely and repeatedly decline and refuse to be guilt-tripped.
There are also bits of Christmas I try to reclaim. I like going to the Christmas markets. Most years I try to get to a carol concert. I am grateful for and enjoy parties with some groups and some friends.
Remember it’s just a day. Chilling out and making our own traditions is allowed!
I have volunteered before for homeless shelters, but not on Christmas itself. That is one option too.
“This time is for family – whatever that means to you.”
My parents are first-generation immigrants to the UK, so Christmas was a new concept in our household – and not a happy one. Lots of arguments that escalated and disappointment over what I expected Christmas to be (based on what my Christian primary school, adverts, films and consumer culture had sold me) and what it actually turned out to be.
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I’ve still not given up on the spirit of it, though, because it helps me get through an otherwise dark and depressing season; and when I moved out and later moved abroad, Christmas became a much happier occasion, where I could celebrate with my friends (my chosen family), make new traditions and not bear all the guilt of having to be with my family of origin.
What I’ve always remembered is that this time is for family – whatever that means to you. Maybe it’s your parents and relatives; for some, it’s chosen family; right now, for me, it’s my partner and (until last year) our dog; maybe it’s just you, getting to treat yourself to whatever you like and decide the day on your terms. After all, you’re the one who’ll be by your own side everyday until the end (not to sound morbid, but I find it quite comforting in a way). You’re your own family, too!
My best advice is to keep it low-key and, if you’re spending it with others, not be afraid to request a break if it helps you get through the day without getting overwhelmed (by any negative emotion – anger, anxiety, sadness, tiredness). When I was younger I was also fortunate to have a plan B if things took a turn in my parents’ home – my best friend’s family welcomed me around their table. If it’s easier, think of the day in two parts; have a second option (maybe a friend’s home, a visit to the dog park, an LGBTQ-friendly service or community dinner) in case the first one doesn’t work out.
And remember: just like with all things good or bad, it will pass!
“…Christmas morning can help to remind you that you are loved, cared for and appreciated by others – you mean something in their lives.”
In the lead up to Christmas, keep a note of nice/positive things people have said about you recently, almost like an Advent calendar of appreciation for yourself. Whilst Christmas day itself might be tricky amongst family members with questionable opinions, looking at this on Christmas morning can help to remind you that you are loved, cared for and appreciated by others – you mean something in their lives.
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If you can’t think of things others have said about you, write a compliment to yourself, trying to have a third person perspective on your life. This doesn’t have to be huge or complicated, it could be something like ‘You always make an effort to listen to others when they need an ear’ or ‘You are such a creative whimsical bean and I love that’.
Even if you only manage to write a couple a week in the lead up to Christmas, this can make a sweet little list that can uplift you on the day itself. If you feel comfortable, you can even ask friends to contribute to this too, and start a little ‘compliment advent calendar’ tradition.
“Accept your own feelings, as much as you can.”
Don’t put pressure on yourself to have a Christmas that looks any type of way.
The holidays are a complicated time, whether you celebrate or not, and taking what works and leaving what is no longer serving you is important.
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Accept your own feelings, as much as you can. It’s okay to feel sad, or lonely, or resentful. It’s also okay to feel a pocket of happiness in an otherwise bad situation. I have experience of being in a volatile home for the holidays, feeling unsafe and alone. Sometimes that joy was a countdown to when I could leave, or reaching out to friends.
Take an actual break. Sometimes the urge is to fill all your time with celebrations, community time, etc, but making sure you have time to yourself, to rest in whatever way works for you is so important.
In a nutshell…
- Set boundaries and don’t be afraid to put yourself first
- Be open with trusted loved ones about how you’re feeling
- Consider meeting family members in a setting that’s not the family home, like for a meal in a restaurant
- Have a back-up plan, like going to a friend’s house or relaxing by yourself
- Keep stressful family engagements to a manageable period of time – take breaks if needed, or set aside time or activities afterwards to decompress
- Keep a list of happy notes or compliments in the days leading up to Christmas. Write these for yourself, or ask others to contribute!
Resources
External Resources and Events
akt: Support over the festive season for LGBTQ+ people across the UK
Cosmopolitan: 55 Best LGBTQ+ Holiday Movies to Make Your Spirits Bright This Season
Counselling Directory: The importance of queer joy at Christmas
LGBT Hero: How to get through a family Christmas
Gay Times: A therapist’s guide to navigating the festive season as a queer person
Glossary
Season’s Greetings!
…from all of us at LGBT Foundation
❤️
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