This guide includes information on asking about someone’s pronouns, how to support a friend if they come out as trans, and how to show your support for trans people.
It also covers what to do if you make a mistake, what to do if you have a friend or relative who keeps making jokes about trans people as well as a range of other topics.
Trans is used as an umbrella term for anyone whose gender identity does not fully match the gender they were assigned at birth. Commonly, you may think of trans men and trans women, but this could also include non-binary people, gender non- conforming people, and crossdressers, if these people choose to call themselves trans. If someone’s gender identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth, then they might say they are cis, or cisgender. We would use this term because “trans” is Latin for movement or crossing, whereas “cis” means on the same side. Both “trans” and “cis” are commonly used in other areas, such as chemistry and when discussing travel!
An ally is someone who supports a particular marginalised community, even if they may not be a part of it themselves. Allies are very important in working towards equality and helping wider society better understand the experiences of marginalised communities. Allies are not all the same – they may do very different things to support marginalised communities based on their skills and abilities, and that’s okay!
This guide is aimed to support people wanting to be better allies for trans communities, but you can be an ally to any marginalised group.
“Trans people need you. Yes, you!”
“We are three years into a calculated, cynical, well-connected and well-organised backlash intended to reverse the gains we’ve made over the last 25 years.
They seem to have an open door to parts of the media, giving them an immense reach for their bad faith arguments. We don’t. This is where allies come in: We don’t expect allies to have all the answers or superhuman powers. More than anything it’s lonely and frightening facing this kind of onslaught and moral support goes a long, long way. Be there for the trans people you know. Signal that you understand the injustices they feel.
Hold their hand — it could be as simple as organising things to take their mind off the worrying things seen online and in the press. And, if you can, watch our backs. Don’t let people around you repeat the lies about us without challenge.
If that sounds daunting to YOU, imagine the weight you’re lifting off a trans person’s shoulders.
Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Let that be the slogan for all trans allies. Thank you.”
Christine Burns
MBE Businesswoman, Trans Equality Campaigner
Yes, trans people are as varied in their sexuality as cis people. Sexuality is to do with who you are attracted to, whereas trans is to do with your own gender. A trans man might be gay if he is only attracted to men, or bisexual if he is attracted to more than one gender, or a trans woman might be straight if she is only attracted to men.
There are lots of ways people might explain their experience of gender. As long as they’re not saying something as a joke, then it’s okay! You might want to quickly check with an individual if you’re unsure – if you’re unfamiliar with a term, or think others might not wish to be called it, you can ask the person if that is the term they want you to use for them. The important thing is to not then use that term for every trans person, especially if you think others might not like to be called it. Remember, trans people are as varied in their preferences as everyone else.
“We’re proud that our city-region is a place where people are free to be themselves. But the sad fact is too many trans people face hatred, abuse and violence simply because of who they are – even here in Greater Manchester. That makes it all the more important for all of us to step up and be good friends and allies to our marginalised communities.
I am proud to be Mayor of a city-region that celebrates our diversity and I have a simple message for all of our LGBT community: I support you and stand with you. In Greater Manchester you are not, and never will be, alone.”
Andy Burnham
Mayor of Greater Manchester“LGBT+ equality is not inevitable and the progress of recent years has been hard fought by our communities and our allies.
Allies play an important role in standing up for our rights, providing effective services and supporting LGBT+ people to raise their voices and be heard. Allies can take many forms from organisations to individuals, there is a role for everyone to play in fighting for equality for all. I’m proud that Manchester; our people and our institutions stand alongside our community.”
Councillor Bev Craig
Burnage Labour Councillor, LGBT+ Women’s Lead
Pronouns are the words we use to refer to people when we’re not talking directly to them. Often, they have gendered implications when we use them.
We might talk about Ben, and how he has a nice shirt on, and how we might want to compliment him on his taste in fashion.
Or we might talk about Yasmin, and how brilliant her recent portfolio was. She has helped you before with your work, and you really admire her.
Or even we might talk about Alex, and how they recently got offered a new job. You’re going to miss them in the workplace, but you know this was their dream job!
While you may be quite familiar with using he/him and she/her when referring to people, you might feel unfamiliar with using they/them for a single person. However, we use they/them pronouns regularly for single people – for example, you may be driving in your car and suddenly someone pulls out in front of you and gives you little time to slow down. They clearly need to get more driving lessons, if this is how they’re acting! You hope no one else has to deal with their poor driving, and you’re glad to be free of them when they take a turning soon after.
Our society judges gender very quickly based on when we first look at someone – and so when we can’t see the person in the car, we automatically use they/them pronouns. Some people might just prefer for you to continue using they/them pronouns for them, regardless of whether you can see them or not.
We can’t always tell someone’s gender just by looking at them, and we know there are more genders than just “man” and “woman”. Using they/them pronouns for people as standard before you know their gender or pronouns can be a useful way to avoid using the wrong pronouns by mistake.
It’s hard to undo years of your brain gendering people quickly, but it gets much easier to avoid doing it with practice!
If you’re not sure of a person’s gender, often you don’t really need to know. If you are having a conversation with or about a person, it’s considered more polite to ask for a person’s pronouns. You can ask the person privately:
“How would you like me to refer to you?”
“Can I just check, what pronouns do you use?”
It is then up to them whether they give you just their pronouns, or tell you more about their gender, but at least you have given them that decision.
If you do need to know their gender, for example if they are a service user at your workplace and you need to complete a demographic form for them, then do so as you would any other sensitive piece of information about a person. It is best to ask privately, and perhaps alongside other information you need to collect, in order not to single that aspect of them out as “unusual”.
Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, it’s just important that you acknowledge them and learn from them, as long as you don’t dwell on them. It may feel terrible to accidentally use the wrong name or pronouns for someone, but continuing to linger on it or bring it up will only draw attention to it and drag out the discomfort for the person. Your best option is to acknowledge it, often privately to yourself, apologise quickly, correct yourself, and move on with the conversation. You will do better next time if you acknowledge it as something you can improve on.
The person may seem annoyed that you made a mistake in the moment, and you might feel that you need to assure them that you are trying. Likely the person knows that you are, but it might help to think of it in context for that person. Being called the wrong gender once by you could be easy to pass off, but being consistently called the wrong gender over a long period of time, multiple times a day, can become very draining for the person.
Annoyance you might perceive from the person is often not directed at you personally, but the general experience of being misgendered repeatedly. In the moment you may feel hurt, but you will get better at calling them the correct gender, and using the right name and pronouns.
Getting used to it can be uncomfortable, but it’s worth it for both of you when it becomes second nature to you!
Be aware that the trans and non-binary communities are very broad, and it might be that you accidentally said something to someone that you weren’t aware they didn’t like.
The best thing to do is just to apologise to them sincerely, and if appropriate, ask if they could let you know why what you did was incorrect.
If it isn’t an appropriate time, or the person doesn’t have the time to tell you right now, you can Google some key terms to see what others online are saying about similar situations.
If you are struggling to find anything through search engines, there are plenty of organisations you could ask for advice. Some organisations work specifically with allies and will be happy to help you – click here to jump to more information.
Avoid asking unpaid groups and services specifically for trans and non-binary people. They may only have time to focus on giving space to trans and non-binary people, rather than educating people. Often they receive a lot of well-meaning questions from cis people, and may not have the time or energy to answer all of them.
If they are just realising that they are trans/non-binary, then you should think of it as a privilege that they want to share this journey with you. Coming out can be really difficult, and it doesn’t happen just once. This is likely their way of saying that they want you to know their most authentic self.
You may have already guessed that the person was possibly going to come out as trans or non-binary, or it might be a total surprise. It is best not to say either of these things though, as it could equally make the person panic.
Open up by thanking them for letting you know, as you realise this is very personal. Tell them that they have your support, and ask if they would like you to call them something else, or use new pronouns for them, if they have not already stated this. It may be that they don’t know yet, and you could encourage them to have an open dialogue with you if anything changes in the future, or they want to try out new names and/or pronouns.
Ask them if there is anywhere else they are ‘out’. It may be that they want you to refer to them with their old name and pronouns in certain places because they’re not ‘out’ there. It might be tricky for you to switch back and forth, but it is sometimes a case of safety for the person.
Check if there is anything you can do right now that could help them. Depending on how close you are to the person, they may want you to tell someone else for them, or support them to do this, or they may need practical help such as making an appointment with a GP to be referred to a Gender Clinic, for example. It might be that they’d just like a hug!
Alternatively, a person might have come out to you as trans and/ or non-binary, but this might not be a new thing at all. It might be that they transitioned years ago and they just wanted to let you know. As with someone coming out for the first time, thank them for telling you, but it might be a different conversation that is needed. Listen to the person to check you aren’t going to ‘out’ them to people they don’t want you to.
Coming out as trans and/or non-binary can be a very difficult time. There will be certain “milestones” that they may feel are important to them, which can be very challenging to reach. These milestones could potentially be: coming out to family, coming out at work, coming out to friends, changing their wardrobe, leaving the house in particular clothing, attending trans and non-binary social groups, accessing a Gender Clinic, changing their name legally, starting hormones, accessing surgery, or applying for a Gender Recognition Certificate, to name a few. The person may want none of these things, or only a selection of them, and that’s also okay. However, the person may now be encountering barriers that they may not have previously, and you may not be aware of them existing.
We describe our society as being “cissexist”, which means that it assumes everyone is cisgender.
Our society is designed to cater for cisgender people, and doesn’t often take into account the existence of trans and non-binary people. This can be something as simple as gendered public toilets – there are high rates of urinary tract infections in trans and nonbinary people because of feeling unsafe to use public toilets, and so not going when they need to.
If you are worried about someone, ask them if there is anything you can do or alter to help them at all.
This might be something as simple as going to their home to socialise for a little while, or they might just need some time alone. Let them know about the organisations at the end of this guide in case they need help.
Let the person explore their identity at their own pace.
Even if they decide they aren’t trans and/or non-binary, then they will know they can trust you far more if you supported them through their journey, rather than try to find answers for them. It can be difficult to see a friend or loved one struggling, but let them take the lead where possible.
“Allies can support trans people – including non-binary people – by supporting our projects, learning about how gender works, and calling out transphobia and misgendering where they see it. “
Meg-John Barker
Author, consultant, speaker, and activist-academic
#TransRightsAreHumanRights
“As a cis-lesbian ally, I think it is important to support of our trans siblings, including those who are also lesbians and bi women. Many people believe that lesbians are transphobic because of the extremely vocal campaign of a few gender critical lesbians. In my experience, these people do not represent the majority of lesbians.
I call on allies of the trans community to speak out in support of the trans community by including some simple hashtags into their social media posts. These include #LWITHTHET, #GWITHTHET and #TRANSRIGHTSAREHUMANRIGHTS.
Such a small gesture really does make a difference to so many. As allies, we may not always get it right but it is important for the trans community to know that they are loved, respected and supported in the face of transphobia and hate.
It is undeniable that the LGB equality we enjoy today would not have been so easily won without the support of our allies, and it is essential that we demonstrate the same solidarity with our trans friends and siblings.”
Linda Riley
Co-Founder of the British LGBT Awards and Diversity Award, DIVA Magazine publisher
It can feel like you don’t know where to turn for information about trans and non-binary people. What’s actually written by trans and non-binary people? What’s just opinion?
At the moment, trans and non-binary people are quite commonly talked about because the mainstream media has gained a curiosity about them. There seem to be more trans and non- binary people now largely because of the internet and social media making it easier for those with similar experience to find one another, or to find support groups, rather than feeling isolated and alone with their feelings. As the mainstream media picks up on this and talks more about it, this helps more people find out about other trans and non-binary people, and so on!
There have been trans and non-binary people as far back as there have been people, but the terminology we use now is fairly new, and different generations and cultures may use different points of reference for themselves. However, the concepts we talk about have always existed. It’s just now people are particularly interested in them as they become gradually more understood and accepted.
Of course, some people still do not like the existence of trans and non-binary people, or just genuinely don’t understand them yet. With the terminology you’ll have picked up here, it’s generally quite easy to navigate what is actually the voice of trans and nonbinary people, and what has been written as an opinion about them. Try to go for the former first to make sure you are letting trans and non-binary people speak for themselves on issues that affect them directly.
Jokes about marginalised communities can be harmful to them, and keep negative stereotypes going. They are generally built on misunderstandings of who the community are, and can often be challenged effectively by questioning why the joke is funny in the first place.
It can be hard to challenge people when they make jokes about trans and non-binary people, especially if they’re people you care about. Often, it genuinely comes from a place of not understanding trans and non-binary people, and never having the opportunity to learn.
We prefer to call people “in” rather than call people “out” where possible. What we mean by this is we start from an assumption that the person just doesn’t know why their behaviour might be harmful, and we want them to grow and learn with us. We hope this helps you too in how you might approach people you care about when challenging negativity around trans and non-binary people.
Support trans and non-binary people to the best of your ability, but don’t put yourself in danger, and remember you can draw a line if an argument ensues. If the person refuses to acknowledge trans and non-binary people as their gender, then make it clear that you won’t be convinced otherwise, and you won’t engage them in debate about it. In doing so, it can help to show those you care about how serious you are on this point, and can let them think on it further.
There are many ways you can show your support, depending on what is best for you and those you are supporting! As mentioned previously, challenging people’s misconceptions around trans and non-binary people is a massive help. It makes safer environments for trans and non-binary people in those people’s lives to feel okay to come out.
While not everyone has the money or time to spare, if you feel able to, there are some organisations at the bottom of this guide that you could consider donating to, or volunteering your time with.
- Share the work of trans and non-binary people on social media – they are more than just their trans and non-binary identities, and many are skilled artists and writers!
- Celebrate when trans and non-binary people are cast in acting roles, and congratulate achievements made in politics, sports, the arts, and so on made by trans and non-binary people.
- Listen to the voices of trans and non-binary people on issues that affect them, including when they speak about issues affecting other aspects of their lives. For example, Black trans people will have different experiences to white trans people, or Black cis people.
- Trans and non-binary people’s rights are talked about frequently at the moment – listen to what trans and non-binary people have to say about these topics, and support them to amplify their voices. Where appropriate, this includes responding to consultations to support the changes that trans and nonbinary people want to see.
There’s nothing wrong with that! There can be the tendency to feel as though other people’s journeys are more valid or “important” than our own. You may feel that trans and non-binary people in your life are “struggling” more than you, and you may not want to draw attention to your own exploration. If you are questioning your own gender identity in any way, then you are welcome to access any of the support that trans and nonbinary people in your life are able to access. Perhaps talk to the trans and non-binary people in your life about your own experiences – it might help you!
LGBT Foundation
www.lgbt.foundation
Mermaids
www.mermaidsuk.org.uk
The Proud Trust
www.theproudtrust.org
FFLAG
www.fflag.org.uk
Supporting BAME Trans People
www.gires.org.uk/
Including Non-Binary People
For Service Providers and Employees: www.scottishtrans.org/
Transforming Outcomes and other research by LGBT Foundation: www.lgbt.foundation/transformingoutcomes
